OT: Ugh.

Well, I guess it shouldn't have come as much as a surprise, but the depths of midwinter seem to coincide with bad news in our family the last few years. Or maybe the news is always bad lately, and the season seems to commiserate with it? 

My father-in-law K has had poor health for many years, having succumbed to ME after a nasty bout of 'flu in his late 60s. We stayed away to protect him during the pandemic, by which time he was almost completely deaf (my partner already wears hearing aids so that's hereditary). There was a waterworks infection which produced odd behaviour - but eventually it turned out to be vascular dementia. K used to smoke and presumably drink, as was more common in his era. The fact that the family have coped since his last hospital stay has extended his life by a few years, but after another kidney infection he's being released to come home to die. The only signs of life are growling, eye movement and breathing. It's horrible to watch, and I can only hope he slips away soon. As a family of engineers we feel powerless - our natural instinct is to think our way around such situations and repair them; but in this case there is no fix. The law in the UK sentences people to lingering deaths that we would not put our pets through. I was very lucky that my dad briefly rallied on my last visit - he was mentally with us 'til the end, and it turns out I was the last one to talk to him, a banal conversation about the weather I think! 

So my mood is indescribable at the moment - anger at the universe for allowing such suffering, sadness for the family, admiration and sorrow. The Cog has been out every evening for the last few weeks, to take over from the constant attempts to get food and liquids into K in hospital - the nurses do an amazing job, but nobody can spare three hours to feed someone with a dessertspoon. So our meals have been in shifts, and it's a rare thing if we eat together at all. At least K has family to take care of him, though whether prolonging his life is humane at this point is debatable. 

Amidst a rising tide of right wing rhetoric in the world, I note that many of the nurses were from exotic countries. Without immigrants, the NHS would collapse. Follow the money and use your intelligence, people, not the twisted tabloid media with their nasty agendas. Whilst the masses look the other way, the rich get richer. I was "reliably informed" by a supposedly intelligent work colleague that the reason her partner can't get a minor medical procedure done is because immigrants have swamped the NHS. It's nothing to do with years of underfunding, piecemeal privatisation by the back door, an ageing and increasing population, badly-paid staff leaving, and crumbling infrastructure. I suspect her anger at others is partially fired up by a badly-managed council HMO (House of Multiple Occupancy) starting up next door, which is forcing them to consider moving. 

Anyway, enough. You can see, my mood veers from sadness to anger and back at the moment. Lack of sleep, work stress and a sore back isn't helping! Hugs to all who find themselves in need of them at this time, and never forget to kiss your loved ones goodbye. You never know when it might be the last time. 

Current mood: indescribable